i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
