the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
