I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
