Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
