You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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