Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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