So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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