The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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