Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
