I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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