dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Randomize
