she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
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