how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
