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The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
