She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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