you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
