I got chris browned last night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
