I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
