Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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