I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
