Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
