Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
