The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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