I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
