...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
