Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
