I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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