I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
