I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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