I am puke
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
