Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
