wrigley field is MILF paradise
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can text with my tongue
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
