I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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