where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
