I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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