I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
