u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
