he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
