My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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