If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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