Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
