Need sex. Gaining weight.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
