Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Houston, we have a squirter
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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