omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
