I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
