I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
