So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
