You just made me feel so damn special
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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