By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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