I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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