Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
