Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
