She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
