I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
