Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
