hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
