it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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