Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
