I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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