I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
