I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
