i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
